Having somebody close with addiction.

(this text can come across littlebit too rough for some people, so read on your own "risk".)

Have you ever felt so scared of your own dad that you just want to run somewhere far away? 

 Have you got your first heartbreak from your dad? 

 Was it also that one day you realized that your grandpa is just an old mean alcoholic and the shining lovely image of him disappears? 

 Was your mom keeping all the promises that your dad made? 

 Did you have your mom reminding you EVERY FU*KING DAY, that your dad loves you and just has a terrible illness? 

 Did you ever hope in first school that your dad would be dead or in jail so you would know that he is safe or even where he is? 

 Did you ever need to worry about your dad having the roof top of he’s head and having even a little bite of food? 

Did you ever see your dad almost dying of withdraws? 

 Have you ever been crying so hard on the phone that you almost pass out and same time trying to reassure your dad not to kill himself? 

 Did you ever need to try to calm your dad down when he had so bad psychosis that you didn't even know what he was going to do next? 

Did you cry when your dad’s visiting hour ended, and you just saw the jail doors close behind you while you were carried by your mom to the car when you were 5 years old? 

Did you ever stand many hours outside in the rain waiting for your dad to pick you up like he promised, same time scream crying saying to everybody who tried to get you inside that he is just late? 

If you answered yes, then same and I'm really sorry that you have been

through that too.  

If you didn’t have this “privileged” while you were growing up, then I'm so happy for you! Nobody deserves that! 

But if you had or have that, just know that you are not alone. And there is help!

It is rough and sometimes I just felt so hopeless, that I wanted to kill myself. One time I tried it as well, but I actually didn’t want to die so it “failed”. 

I love my dad from bottom of my heart and I hope everything good for him!

Addiction is a difficult illness, but it isn’t an excuse to do bad or stupid things. At the moment, my dad is doing better, and every time he tries to get sober, I'm so proud of him! But the coin has two sides. If he hadn't used drugs, been in jail, given me my first amphetamine, and other things, I would say that my life would've had a different path.

When I was 12 years old, I got caught smoking weed. At that time, I still lived at home. My mom didn’t know what to do, so she called my dad. He was so mad and scary. He kept yelling at me so much that I just lost it. I locked myself in the bathroom with a pair of scissors and cut deep cuts on my thigh. I felt so hopeless, and I didn’t know what to do. I got caught on purpose. I wanted to somehow show my mom that I'm really struggling and don’t know what to do. But I ended up in a terrible fight with my parents. At the end of the fight, all three of us were crying. That was my first time trying drugs. After that, it started a bad downhill. And after a while, I was 15, doing drugs with my dad. The feeling of betrayal when I got my first “hard” drugs from my own dad. I know he didn’t think at the time, and he has apologized to me many times because of that.

Because of my stupid young idea that I'm immortal and nothing bad can happen to me, I got beaten up, raped, people often stole my stuff, and I overdosed a handful of times. I chose my own path, and I can’t blame anybody for it, but sometimes I think what would’ve happened if my parents just asked, “What’s wrong, how can we help?” instead of just being mad and disappointed in me. I started running away after that and got into a children’s home.

If you are a parent or guardian of a child who struggles even a little bit in the same way as I did, don’t be just mad. Get to know what’s wrong with your child. Nobody who is happy uses drugs, even if they say so.

If somebody who struggles is reading this, I know there is someone who can listen to your worries and help you somehow. Just find the right person to talk to!

AND NOW PARENTS LISTEN CAREFULLY, IF YOUR CHILD DOESN'T FEEL UNDERSTOOD BY YOU, THEY CAN’T FEEL SAFE AROUND YOU! If they don’t feel safe around you, they want to run away. 

-Light at the end of the tunnel 29.1.2025